Softness in the air is finally pushing away my dark clouds. For you see, I have been comparing my journey to others. Many of my friends and colleagues are moving beyond the point at which we met in a manner that seems so quick and easy. And despite my happiness for their success, I find that I am profoundly alone in my rut of personal struggles as I take on another year to complete my thesis. Needless to say, it has taken me time to find beauty in hardship, and my current assignment is to learn to be patient with what I have and trust that things will work out in the end. After all, what matters the most is how I handle my difficult times: Was it with grace and humility?
For the longest time, I was under the false impression that comparison served a purpose and was of value. With school, it pushed me to produce work that was of substance. It was a motivator. I would compare my results with what my colleagues did. My assignments needed to meet the standards of others to mean something. It had to be ranked, and I had to be with those at the top. And so began my habit of working overtime every time to get the A's. Internally, I made an association between letter grades and self-worth. I ended up dealing with perfectionism, which I assumed was a strength until I realized how much time and effort it steals from a person. I am finally ready to let these tendencies go and exercise more self-compassion.
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